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The Udders  (2001)

Alternative Titles: The Udder One, Udder Nonsense

Genre: Drama/Horror/Mystery

Plot:
A woman living on a desolate farm, whose two children suffer from an allergy to dairy products, goes a bit doolally when the cows try to invade the house.

Starring: Nicole Kidman.

Quotes:
Beth: "Get out! Get out of this house! You stupid moo!"


BIFTA Winner: Best Butter (2002)

Directed by: Benny Fits. US Colour.

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V for Viennetta  (2005)

Alternative Titles: I for Ice Scream, W for Walls, T for Tasty, Naughty but Nice

Genre: Thriller/Fantasy

Plot:
A shadowy ice cream salesman known only as "V" uses bizarre tactics to fight against his local council's decision to limit Sunday trading hours for ice cream vans.

Starring: Hugo Spiffing and Mungo Jerry.

Quotes:
V: "Mind that child!"


BIFTA Winner: Best Kept Below -4 Degrees C (2006)

Directed by: Lucky Dipp. UK Colour.

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Village of the Spammed  (1964)

Alternative Titles: Spam Overload, Tomorrow's World, The Village People

Genre: Sci-Fi

Plot:
The small village of Pooton is subject to a time-bending mystery as inhabitants within a three-mile radius fall unconscious one morning.

Upon waking, they discover their wirelesses have evolved into internet-ready laptop computers of the future.

The awe doesn't last, as slowly they are completely taken over by spam emails offering Viagra, penis enlargements, and university diplomas.

Starring: Alan Bates and Julie Christie.

Quotes:
Ernie: "You've got mail!"


BIFTA Winner: Outstanding Predictions of Technological Advancement (1965)

Directed by: Milton Keynes. UK Black & White.

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Walls Treat  (1988)

Alternative Titles: A 99 Please, Two Ball Screwball, Mind that Child!

Genre: Drama

Plot:
Drama about the cut-throat world of ice cream sellers. Rival ice cream van drivers battle it out in turf wars.

Starring: Victoria Wood, Peter Kay and Dave Spikey.

Quotes:
Pat: "Whippy, my arse!"

Most Helpful User Review:
The ice cream van chase scene set at Hollingworth Lake, during the summer season is quite something.


BIFTA Nomination: Best Hundreds and Thousands (1989)

Directed by: Everard Farquar-Harsen. UK Colour.

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Walt Disney's Awwww! Ain't That Cute?  (2001)

Alternative Titles: Animal Magic, Animal Farm, Farming Today, Country File, Countryphile, Animal Hospital

Genre: Children's

Plot:
Animated. Twee, fluffy animals and that.

Starring: Terry Scott and Lorraine Kelly.

Quotes:
Bunny Rabbit: "And now it's time for sleep."
Daisy Cow: "Well, shut the fuck up, then!"

Most Helpful User Review:
I couldn't think of anything to say about this one, so I hung around outside a local primary school to ask the children what they thought of it. Before being hauled away by police, I got the following comments:

"It sucked." - Jimmy Smartass, aged 9.
"Never seen it." - Joanna Skipping-Rope, aged 6.
"I thought the ending was nice." - Billy Nomates, aged 7.
"I need a poo." - Tilly Flood, aged 4.


BIFTA Nomination: Best Foot Forward (2002)

Directed by: Acrobat Reader. UK Colour.

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Waterfall  (1995)

Alternative Titles: Ascending and Descending, Sky and Water, Belverdere, Three Worlds, Another World

Genre: Fantasy

Plot:
Kevin Costner's multi-million dollar box-office flop.

The sets were all based on works by Dutch artist MC Escher, whose spatial illusions and impossible structures took up most of the film's budget.

Starring: Kevin Costner & Carol Vorderman.

Quotes:
Bill: "Quick! Bring those buckets over here, now!"

Most Helpful User Review:
Costner had to write the screenplay himself and it was shite.


BIFTA Winner: Best Waste of Money (1996)

Directed by: Kevin Costner. US Colour.

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What's Eating Gilbert's Grapes?  (1993)

Alternative Titles: The Grapes of Wrath, A Bug's Life, Fruit You Sir!

Genre: Drama

Plot:
After his father's death, Gilbert has to take over the family vineyard, which is suddenly made more complicated when something starts devouring his crop.

Starring: Johnny Depp, Leonardo DiCaprio and Juliette Lewis.

Quotes:
Gilbert: "Something's eating my fucking grapes!"

Most Helpful User Review:
I cried buckets when he finally realised what it was.


BIFTA Winner: Best Organic Fruit of the Year (1994)

Directed by: Lou Roll. US Colour.

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When Harry Met Sooty  (1984)

Alternative Titles: The Sooty Show, 24 Hour Puppet Party

Genre: Romantic Comedy

Plot:
Mixture of stock footage and reconstruction, this tells the true story of when Harry Corbett met the love of his life. Light-hearted, sentimental clap-trap.

Starring: Harry Corbett, Sooty, Sweep and Soo.

Quotes:
Sooty: "    ."

Most Helpful User Review:
The ending where Sooty runs off with Harry's son, Matthew, makes mums everywhere sob like a baby; I cried laughing. You'll need a whole box of man-size tissues to get through this one, two boxes if think you'll weep like a girl.


BIFTA Winner: Best Fake Orgasm Scene (1985)

Directed by: Matthew Corbett. UK Colour / Black & White.

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With Noel and I  (1992)

Alternative Titles: Moors are Murder, Crinkly Bottom, Take the O' Out of Countryside, Booze and Drugs, Blob Shop, The Blob

Genre: Comedy

Plot:
Grammatically incorrect comedy. Noel Edmonds and Mr Blobby go to stay with Blobby's gay uncle in a small Yorkshire village. Lots of booze, rain, mud, sheep, over-the-top acting - plus a soundtrack by the Violent Femmes - make this a student favourite.

Starring: Noel Edmonds, Mr Blobby, Wayne Sleep and Richard Whitely.

Quotes:
Noel: "Gerroff me, ya puff!"


BIFTA Winner: Best Bitter (1993)

Directed by: Andy Shandy. UK Colour.

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X-Mental  (2003)

Alternative Titles: Super-Loonies, Super-Loopies, Super Loopy Nuts Are We

Genre: Sci-Fi

Plot:
A group of former mental health patients gang together to fight injustice in the NHS.

Starring: Patrick Strewart and Ian McEllen.

Quotes:
Mr Sniffles: "I demand to see your clinical director!"


BIFTA Nomination: Best Excuses for Employing Slipshod Cleaning Staff (2004)

Directed by: Oliver Dither. UK Colour.

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You've Gone Male  (1981)

Alternative Titles: Sex Change, Female to Male, Sporting Chance

Genre: Romantic Comedy

Plot:
Hilarious, poignant story about a woman who becomes a man so she can get a job as a sports correspondent for a newspaper. She has the full sex change and everything, then falls in love with a lesbian and wishes she hadn't gone through with it.

Starring: Dustin Hoffman and Diane Keaton.

Quotes:
Editor: "Sorry love, women just don't get jobs on the sports pages, try Women's Things. The door across the hall."

Most Helpful User Review:
A bit dated now.


BIFTA Nomination: Best Transformation (1982)

Directed by: Divine. US Colour.

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Zombie Creche Eaters  (1981)

Alternative Titles: In the Nursery, Return of the Baby Eating Bishop of Bath and Wells, Whose Baby?, Please Don't Eat My Daughter

Genre: Horror

Plot:
The staff at the Pipkins Nursery fight to keep out the walking dead, when apprentice Susan returns from lunch bearing news that zombies taking are over the streets.

Starring: Floella Benjamin, Bernie Winters and Schnorbitz.

Quotes:
Sandra: "Get away from her, you bitch!"

Most Helpful User Review:
The final showdown was described by AARRRGH! Magazine as "arousing."


BIFTA Winner: Best Childcare (1982)

Directed by: Harry Bottom. UK Colour.

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