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Maniac Dinnerlady  (1973)

Alternative Titles: Don't Tell Her it's Got Lumps in, Take Your Tray Back

Genre: Horror

Plot:
School dinnerlady cooks up the children at the Fairley High Secondary School.

Starring: Sheila Numpty, Beryl Reid and Pat Coombs.

Quotes:
Miss Diane: "Doris, I don't think we have enough testicles, bring me Peter Bellows from 4C."

Most Helpful User Review:
Brilliant sequence with a stainless steel potato masher.


BIFTA Winner: Best Catering (1974)

Directed by: Golden Wonder. UK Colour.

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March of the Penguins  (2005)

Alternative Titles: Journey of the Penguins, Happy Feet, Funny Feet, P-P-P-P-P-P Pick up a Penguin

Genre: Documentary

Plot:
Documentary about the perils of Penguin biscuits and their journey over glaciers in trecherous weather conditions.

Starring: some penguins.

Quotes:
Voiceover: "And here, in temperatures of below minus twenty degrees, the Penguins are quite safe from melting."


BIFTA Winner: Best Snow Storm (2006)

Directed by: Morris McVitie. US Colour.

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Mary Poppers  (1995)

Alternative Titles: Nanny Amyl Nitrate, It's A Jolly Horror Day With Mary, SuperSmackAndCrackAndPotAndEcstasyalidocious

Genre: Musical/Children's

Plot:
Ill-advised sequel to the children's musical where a mysterious nanny worms her way into an upper class London home and corrupts the whole family with her small bottles of "sugar to help the medicine go down". It's not long before everyone has a sudden rush of euphoria and utter relaxation. And it's not at all long after that that they realise what a shite drug it is and promptly send her out for something else.

Some say it was a social comment on '90s attitudes amongst youth towards drugs, we say it was an excuse for Julie Andrews to take a few E's.

Starring: Julie Andrews, Ewan McGregor, Jack Straw and Shaun Ryder.

Quotes:
Mary: "Let me skin up - yours are too tight."


BIFTA Nomination: Best Bizarre Kaliedoscopic Trip Sequence (1996)

Directed by: Dai Latedpupils. UK Colour.

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The Merchant of Hovis  (2015)

Alternative Titles: The Merchant of Loaves, Bread or Dead, Pay Up or Else!

Genre: Drama

Plot:
1950s Yorkshire. When a housewife defaults on her weekly grocery account, the bitterly vengeful shopkeeper demands a gruesome payment instead.

Starring: Mary Berry, Paul Hollywood, Mackenzie Crook and John Sessions.

Quotes:
Merchant: "You owe four weeks!"
Housewife: "Like fuck I do."


BIFTA Winner: Best Do What He Says (2016)

Directed by: Ken Loach. UK Colour.

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Murders at the Rude Morgue  (1979)

Alternative Titles: Confessions of a Serial Killer, Sex Seance, Sex and Stabbing, Sale of the Century

Genre: Horror

Plot:
Bawdy Horror romp. A group of seven at a secret seance orgy at the local morgue will need more than latex protection when they awaken the spirit of the Indian God of Sex and Death (Humpodef) who takes the human form of Nicholas Parsons.

Starring: Robin Askwith, Sally Thomsett, Nigel Havers and Nicholas Parsons.

Quotes:
Mark: "That's not rigor mortis."

Most Helpful User Review:
Terrifying.


BIFTA Nomination: Best Supporting Actor in a Supporting Role (1980)

Directed by: Minty Flapps. UK Colour.

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Night of the Nimble Nazis  (1975)

Alternative Titles: Nazi Camp Death Romp, Hitler's Babes, Orgia del III Reich, Sex Camp, SS Death Camp of Doom, SS Single Bed, 'Allo 'Allo

Genre: Horror

Plot:
Sadistic sex-romp torture movie set in a German prisoner of war camp. Leather-clad female guards torture the POWs with whips and bratwurst.

Starring: Sylvia Kristal and Gordon Kaye.

Quotes:
Grundig: "I vill now push zis vhip handle up your arse."

Most Helpful User Review:
An acquired taste.


BIFTA Nomination: Best German Accent (1976)

Directed by: Carlos Crikey. Italy Colour.

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Night of the Pensioners  (1976)

Alternative Titles: Zombie Pensioners, Curse of the Pensioners, Coffin Dodgers, Night of the Biddies

Genre: Horror

Plot:
Zombie flick featuring old people being drugged by a dodgy care-worker at the local rest home.

A homemade drug slipped into mugs of Ovaltine renders the old folk undead, and the town's streets are overrun by the OAPs eating anything that breathes.

Starring: Thora Hird and Irene Handel.

Quotes:
Jack: "To infirmity and beyond!"

Most Helpful User Review:
What the fuck did I just watch?


BIFTA Winner: Alzheimer's Society Outstanding Contribution Award (1977)

Directed by: Funky Gibbons. UK Colour.

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Night of the Thousand Jehovah's Witnesses  (1984)

Alternative Titles: Don't Answer the Door On Sunday, Close the Curtains Mommy, Tentacles of the God Botherers, Run Away from the Watch Tower

Genre: Horror

Plot:
The sleepy village of Boredam is invaded by a plague of murderous Jehovah's Witnesses. Convert or die!

Starring: Jean Claude Van Damme, Shelley Winters, Patrick Troughton and Julie Goodyear.

Quotes:
Visitor: "Hello sonny, is your mummy in?"

Most Helpful User Review:
Contains scenes of extreme religious psychosis and hiding from the gas-man. You have been warned.


BIFTA Winner: Good Hiding (1985)

Directed by: Epson Stylus. UK Colour.

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NME of the State  (2004)

Alternative Titles: Melody Maker's Gone For Good, I Preferred Sounds Actually

Genre: Action/Thriller

Plot:
A journalist is being hunted by the Labour Government for an article on Tony Blair he didn't do. He hides out in the NME office after being turned away by the Radio Times. Will he be safe there? Or will he end up at TV Quick?

Starring: Paul Morley.

Quotes:
Stuart: "Franz Ferdinand are fabulous."


BIFTA Nomination: Best Bold Type (2005)

Directed by: Leslie Llandudno. UK Colour.

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No Country for Old Farts  (2007)

Alternative Titles: Grumpy Old Men

Genre: Drama/Thriller

Plot:
Jeremy Clarkson vents yet more hot air on his favourite subjects: traffic, hoodies, Isambard Kingdom Brunel, Britain and America. Again.

Starring: Jeremy Clarkson, Rick Wakeman and Arthur Smith.

Quotes:
Clarkson: "I honestly think that in certain parts of America now, people have started to mate with vegetables."


BIFTA Winner: Best Hot Air (2008)

Directed by: Barry Chuckle. UK Colour.

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One of Our Dinosaurs Is Shitting  (1980)

Alternative Titles: Dinobobs, It's Alive, Jurassic Crap, I Can Shit Miracles, Potty Time

Genre: Children's

Plot:
Museum workers are astonished when they arrive one morning to find that the skeleton of a tyrannosaurus rex has produced droppings. Realising that this miracle is enough to save the museum from closure, they quickly sell the story to The Sun.

Starring: Peter Ustinov, Helen Heyes and Michael Bentine.

Quotes:
Mark: "My dad does poos that big..."


BIFTA Winner: Best Fertilizer (1981)

Directed by: Bob Scooper. US/UK Colour.

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The People Under the Weather  (1997)

Alternative Titles: Sick People, Lazy Bastards, Will You Please Tell Mr Trimble I Won't Be Coming in Today?

Genre: Horror

Plot:
A couple lying in bed on a cold and rainy Monday morning decide to throw a sickie from work and stay in bed. They phone in work with their excuses, and then switch on the TV.

While snuggled up in bed watching Robert-Killjoy-Silk, the door bell rings. The husband loses the coin toss and goes down to open the door to the gas meter reader. Preoccupied with the fact that he's missing the televisual confessions of aged lesbians, he fails to notice that the gas man has no face until it's too late.

The faceless scare-bringer then tortures the couple by switching off the telly and making them read books until five o'clock.

Starring: Shaz Batt, Alexander Backhander and Much Wenlock.

Quotes:
Joanne: "Have you farted?"


BIFTA Winner: Best Excuse for Staying Off Work (1998)

Directed by: John Craven. UK Colour.

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Peter Kay's Karcher  (2017)

Alternative Titles: Karcher The Movie

Genre: Comedy

Plot:
Big screen outing for Peter Kay's hit TV sitcom.

Starring: Peter Kay, Sian Gibson and Ross Kemp.

Quotes:
John: "Nozzle, gun, hose... think I've got all the attachments..."

Kayleigh: "Don't think I'm spending all Sunday watching you clean the patio, John."


BIFTA Nomination: Best Buy Jet Washer (2018)

Directed by: Jackie Magazine. UK Colour.

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The Picture of Dorien Green  (2001)

Alternative Titles: What a Picture!, You Call That Art?

Genre: Drama/Fantasy

Plot:
Birds of a Feather spin-off. Sharon and Tracey discover that Dorien has a self-portait in her loft. And it's shit. So they take the piss for 90 minutes in this light-weight comedy drama.

Starring: Pauline Quirke, Linda Robson and Lesley Joseph.

Quotes:
Sharon: "I could paint a better picture with my arsehole!"


BIFTA Winner: Tracey Emin Special Award for Utter Shite (2002)

Directed by: Minnie Milk. UK Colour / Black & White.

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Piranharama  (1980)

Alternative Titles: Look Out , Fish!

Genre: Horror/Disaster

Plot:
Scientists experimenting with pirahna fish and genetics make the mistake of letting some go in the local pond.

Starring: Rodney Bennett and Stella Artwah.

Quotes:
Steve: "Listen! Do you hear that? Sounds like there's something deadly in the water..."


BIFTA Nomination: Best Gnashers (1981)

Directed by: Ellis Island. US Colour.

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Poke Ma Honkers  (1998)

Alternative Titles: Poke Her Honkers, Poker Honkers

Genre: Children's

Plot:
Barbara Windsor and Jim Dale of "Carry On" fame are re-united to star in this raunchy Native American History flick. Based on the cartoon of the same name.

Starring: Barbara Windsor and Jim Dale.

Quotes:
Meeko: "I'm determined to go out with a bang."

Most Helpful User Review:
This is the BEST Disney channel movie you will ever see. In fact, this is the only Disney channel movie you should watch. Screw High School Musical.


BIFTA Winner: Best Honkers (1999)

Directed by: Charley Horse. UK Colour.

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The Pontin's Adventure  (1972)

Alternative Titles: Hi-Di-Hi! Ho-Di-Ho!

Genre: Action/Disaster

Plot:
Gene Hackman plays a redcoat in this fabulous 70s disaster movie. A group of holidaymakers struggle to survive a holiday camp - the scene in the pool is a tense cinema classic.

Starring: Gene Hackman, Shelley Winters, Ernest Borgnine and Fred Dinage.

Quotes:
Scott: "For God's sake, man, what you're doing is suicide!"


BIFTA Nomination: Best Nobbly Knees on a Supporting Actor (1973)

Directed by: Elton Welsby. US/UK Colour.

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The Post-It Always Sticks Twice  (1997)

Alternative Titles: Partners, Le Sticky Note, Der Post-It Zweimal Immer Schticken

Genre: Drama

Plot:
Drama about the lives of office workers. Office manager, Martin Trumps, comes down hard on workers wasting stationery.

Starring: Tom Hanks and Susan Sarandon.

Quotes:
Derek: "That canteen's getting worse, they've stopped doing scrambled eggs."


BIFTA Nomination: Best Tension in an Office Environment (1998)

Directed by: Hartley Hare. US Colour.

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Pup Friction  (1994)

Alternative Titles: And They Called It Puppy Love, How Clean Is Your House?

Genre: Crime/Drama

Plot:
Four intertwining tales of criminals, gangsters, housework, and entertaining the dog.

Starring: Uma Thurman, John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson.

Quotes:
Vincent: "Put a rug on a freshly polished floor? It's like setting a man-trap."

Most Helpful User Review:
That iconic dancing scene - with John Travolta and Uma Thurman doing the Shake 'n' Vac - is a hoot!


BIFTA Winner: (1995)

Directed by: Quentin Tarantino. US Colour.

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Quantum of Bollocks  (2008)

Alternative Titles: Quantum of Sollocks, Quantum Leapfrog

Genre: Action/Thriller

Plot:
Daniel Craig's second outing as 007. Secret agent James Bond is assigned to infiltrate the country's worst board meetings and eradicate the sheer bollocks, buzzwords and "outside-the-box" crap which is literally boring people to death.

Starring: Daniel Craig.

Quotes:
Derek Smithers: "Are we singing from the same hymn sheet? Good. Moving forward, I want some blue-sky thinking from you all. With value added."


BIFTA Winner: Best Assistant Manager in a Supporting Role (2009)

Directed by: Susan Tully. UK/US Colour.

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Quatermass and the Ferret  (1955)

Alternative Titles: Quatermass and the Railroad Rodent, Quatermass and the Tube of Terror

Genre: Sci-Fi

Plot:
Quatermass is called to inspect the discovery of a large metal object in London's Underground.

After 30 minutes of tapping the thing's hard shell and saying, "Shh! Listen..." a 4ft ferret pops out to terrorise the Capital.

Starring: George Sanders and Basil Rathbone.

Quotes:
Martin: "What do you think it is, Doctor?"
Dr Quatermass: "Fucked if I know..."


BIFTA Nomination: Best Dressed Lead Actor in a Lead Role (1956)

Directed by: Brooke Syde. UK Colour.

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